Number one, I really really love this. I am a chronic over-thinker over-researcher who spent a lifetime (almost 49 years!!) convinced that “the right” boots or whatever will turn me from a self-perceived dumpy unstylish dork into the fabulous chic woman I see in my mind or on screens everywhere I look. It really took me most of my life to emotionally understand that an object will not in fact physically or emotionally transform me - that I will either see myself as the actually elegant, chic person I am or I won’t, and no trench coat or bag will solve that. Does this realization stop me from tumbling down endless rabbit holes? Not yet, but I’ll get there.
Number two, are you familiar with the concept of satisficing vs. maximizing? Because we are really a maximizing culture and I think technology has ramped this up like whoa. (I wrote an op-ed a little about this years ago for the NYT).
Number three, you’re great and I’m so glad I found your writing.
Hahaha I know exactly what you mean about having the intellectual realization in your mind but the fact that it hasn't totally emotionally set in or clicked yet. But hey, you are getting there! We all are.
I am NOT familiar with the concept! Can you share the op-ed please? I'd LOVE to read it!
And thank you so much, Leah! I really appreciate you.
Oh also I too have a running list in my notes app! It really helps - especially when I realize I don’t want or need something and get to delete without buying.
@Leah Reich thank you 🙏🏼.. so kind & sweet.. I’ll always have one foot or both in NYC as my younger son & other family there.. AnD I’m a NYR hockey fan w tickets 🤣🤣
I’ve been back & forth monthly since LA sojourn & back in a couple weeks xoxo
I wish I wanted to flee to LA but I did 25 years in California (northern and southern) and unfortunately I’m an east coaster to my core. No more CA for me. If you’re ever bored on the UES give a shout! And I hope you’re back in time for the cherry blossoms - was in CP today and they’re bursting out all over xx
There’s a temporal element at work here too, no? It’s one thing to appear in a magazine once every five years, listing your favorite albums “of all time,” and quite another to be doling out superlatives on a weekly basis. The level of consumption required to do the latter is mind-boggling.
Massive temporal element at work. Such a good point. Not sure I made this point very well here but I also think it's very different for Sofia to be recommending something like art (music) vs. something to buy like clothes, gadgets, beauty products etc. And yes the optics of *always* loving something and buying things weekly (!) and acting like that is normal is absurd.
"But it feels distinctly American to think we can buy our way into self actualization." I feel like this pretty much sums up all of internet culture, and it's something I'm becoming more aware of as I get older. Life would be so much easier if buying the "right" pair of shoes meant life would suddenly fall into place and everything would start working out...
As for gatekeeping, I find it really annoying, but I'm also not in a position to be dealing with entitled followers. But then again maybe influencers shouldn't post something they don't want to talk about. (insert shrug emoji) Sometimes I feel like a person just can't win.
Yes! it does pretty much sum up internet culture. It's a relief to become more aware of it but it is definitely an emotional rollercoaster to be bombarded constantly by the idea!
Re: gatekeeping I also don't know what it's like to have entitled followers either - I'm sure it's overwhelming. I feel like a person just can't win either... especially given the complexity/ weird dynamics of social media interaction.
“But it’s usually by digging into art or experiences, not consumable products. It turns out that buying the same stuff doesn't really change who I am or get me closer to the traits I admire in them.”
This is so on point. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that many brands are skilled at selling a “lifestyle” (DÔEN comes to mind first). Influencer-founded brands, especially. It always takes an extra level of self-reflection when I find myself wanting something because I think it will make me smarter, healthier, more creative, etc. (I recently passed on a Sandy Liang dress because of this!)
I’m also with you on the gatekeeping. I’m genuinely excited to tell someone about the coffee shop I went to or the pants I bought. BUT, I also understand that for folks with a large social media following, it’s the entitlement from followers that might stop someone from sharing this info.
AGREED on DÔEN. I always think if I buy it will magically smell like a field of lavender. Effective marketing.
And yes to your point on people with big followings! When writing this I was thinking that it makes sense why celebrities or influencers wouldn't want to share a name of a place online and "blow it up" but then I'm like wait, why do you post a photo anyway and then deny people access? It's something I'm still pondering.
Right, exactly! That’s a good point, too. Why does every experience have to be posted on social media, especially when a large following will bombard you with questions?
Maybe this is negative of me to say, but I have to wonder how many celebrities or influencers enjoy the exclusivity of “being in the know” and the power that comes with making it clear most people aren’t on the same level. 😅🫣
After the Kyle Chayka/Ezra Klein interview came out I thought a lot about this Brie Wolfson article from 2022: https://www.are.na/editorial/notes-on-taste especially #8 & #9- "Taste in too many things would be tortuous." Pick your lane(s) and let the rest go!
I think there is also something insidious, especially if you live in a smaller town/city, where looking for the "best" product all the time will drive you to shopping more and more online vs. picking from what's available to you from local businesses.
I spent an hour and a half at Sherwin-Williams this morning and an hour and a half at Home Depot yesterday trying to find an approximation of a Farrow & Ball shade I saw on someone's insta post and it makes me ill. I can't even calculate the total number of hours spent looking at ~inspo~ on Pinterest for this one tiny bathroom painting project I'm trying to tackle. 10 years ago I would have spent maybe 20 minutes making a paint decision and it would have had nothing to do with anyone on social media. And now, time being ever more precious the older I get, the more of it feels wasted scrolling and researching and comparing and deciding. Depressing! I appreciate your time limit guide. :)
oh. my.goodness. I had the same experience in the last year with tile...hence the need for time limits. The room gets very little traffic in my house but the obsession was real. I spent WAY too much time on Home Depot/every other tile website comparing so I truly feel your pain. It's so true that 10 years ago it would've been a no brainer. I hope you knock out the project soon!
Recommendations can get overwhelming, especially when traveling to a new place (where there is more pressure to "get something right"...since it's not like a meal at a restaurant or a shade of lipstick where you could just try something new next time).
My approach has been to prioritize the things that I have to get right - meaning, what would I hate to miss out on and how can I make sure that I have a reservation for that thing? The rest, I leave up to fate. For example, when we traveled to Hawaii recently, I knew I wanted to hike the Kalalau Trail and that reservations were important and would be sold out immediately. I planned for those reservations in advance but left most of the remaining itinerary free to explore the area as we felt. This was the perfect balance of leisure and activity for me!
Loved this post and thank you for writing it - such a good topic to discuss!
Things are overwhelming when traveling to a new place and I think specifically as Americans we just don't get a lot of time off work which means we have to ALSO have to make our vacations super stressful and live them to the max! It's sad!
And yes, some places are just impossible to freewheel. In Japan I just hiked the Kumano Kodo and it took like 5 months to get the reservation because it books out quickly and there's a TON of back and forth with the families that host you in their homes. If I didn't do all that planning, I really would have missed out! Thanks so much for your feedback. I would love to hear more about your Kalalau Trail hike sometime <3
Yes, SO true regarding our PTO time! Kalalau Trail was technically challenging (slippery muddy rocks) but beautiful. My favorite parts were the waterfall at the top and seeing the chickens that somehow found themselves on edge of the cliffs - how did they get there? I'd love to hear about your Kumano Kodo trip sometime too - we are thinking of visiting Japan again next year!
Another amazing read. I love the recommendations on this platform. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t even take note of them most of the time. But it feels like literally bite size treats and a way for me to stay aware of what’s in (although, as your letter raises, why do I feel the need for that). However, I stopped doing them myself - those monthly recommendations emails - I realllllllly don’t think that we need more of the same thing and more of the same content. Especially, as a lot of us listen to the same podcasts, read the same books, etc.
Yes, we all have this "need to know" since it's such human nature to be curious and know what everyone else is doing. You're spot on about the sameness. I never feel that from your newsletter, I think you have a really fresh point of view and I love reading it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts <3
Had the exact same moment of panic when buying coffee for a group on a ski trip recently. At home, I get beans delivered to my house, but at Safeway in a mountain town, I started trying to research which of the 12 generic grocery store brands. Literally stood in the coffee aisle reading a Food & Wine article about best ground coffee before I shook myself out of it. I ended up just randomly picking one and it was kind of weird and hazelnutty but no one cared. I am definitely an over-researcher obsessed with finding the best of every category but increasingly find myself wanting to enjoy the process of discovery—and not be on my phone looking things up wherever we are.
that's SO funny you had the same experience! I'm glad you were able to snap out of it as well! I feel like being an over-researcher is great when you have an outlet for it (your travel recommendations are so excellent) but yeah I feel like sometimes it's hard to break the habit.
I don't know that it's always black and white. Perfume is very PERSONAL and sensory and to be honest when I would smell EVERYONE and their mom wearing santal 33 it was disorienting. As a young grasshopper who worked in Nordstrom I would ask women what perfume they were wearing (Ive always loved scent) and they would often look at me funny. "It's old and from Italy, not sure!" is probably fine. We are allowed boundaries in life but I find the attitude of sharing online and publicly keeping it secret/overidentifying with brands to feel stranger to me than anything.
A very topical and important discussion, particularly in a Western world under capitalist forces. It’s a slippery slope from sharing things we like and supporting the people who created them to being in a chokehold of relentless optimisation and pursuing the best of XYZ.
In the process, dissatisfaction in self-conscious consumption starts to build and we squeeze the serendipity out of life. I find myself doing most online research when it comes to home appliances and tech devices. It’s a minefield.
As you say, who wants to buy rubbish or waste money on a meh product? My time allocations are quite arbitrary. I just know when I am straining as I pan for gold. Time to go for a walk, have a chat 😅
Where I tell myself to let go a bit more is with travel research. Hotels, bars, restaurants... You made some great suggestions, like playing with the polarities and keeping a recommendations list to dip into now and again (rather than letting subscriptions dictate your time and attention). I use bookmark folders like that.
Gatekeeping is a curious way of framing someone who withholds recommendations. My interpretation of that option was more positive. Less time spent online, on your phone, more being present. Constantly putting people onto things you like can be fatiguing for both the recipient and the expert/influencer/curator.
As for how things are recommended, I would like to see fewer options presented with more personal insight and context. There are too many lengthy lists of ‘this is awesome’ pinging around on a weekly basis.
i love what you said about squeezing the serendipity out of life!
gatekeeping / not gatekeeping - i think we are all looking to the same end goal. less time online/more present interaction and less value on stuff and false community.
and yes, id love to see more things recommended that people have actually experienced and have personal insight on. it feels like most recommendation lists are just a grab to sell things.
really appreciate your thoughtful insights - thanks for reading!
You're right. What you spelled out in the piece is a recurring topic in conversations with everyone from young mentees under 21 to parents over 40. I was talking about this yesterday afternoon. It feels increasingly hard to just exist in the moment and be fully present with those around you. To focus on fewer things. To let some of those things come to us.
What we buy and the choices we make are a reflection of that. I am a planner and love a bargain (it's part of the family DNA). There's a place for careful consideration and research in a world that spins ever faster and bombards us with noise. But nothing shortlisted or recommended could compare to a random discovery or spontaneous moment of joy.
This resonates so much with me!! I tend to want to optimize all of my consumption choices and this leads to more stress than it’s worth. I appreciate the table of suggested time to spend on researching 🤓
I’ve always felt the tension between an insatiable craving for recommendations and just massive information overload where I recognize I can’t possibly consume all the recs available to me. So many times before traveling I would start making an IG story asking people for recs (because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do??) then scrap it because I realized it’s fine I don’t care enough, and asking for recs is supposed to be a shortcut but I’ll probs want to research the recs anyway so I might as well just google stuff based on my own specific circumstances/interests to begin with.
Part of me also wonders about recs in the age of chatGPT. Lots of people are already asking chatGPT for itineraries. How tailored or off the beaten path can it get? I guess in this vision of the future, going out and exploring without an itinerary will be even more of a treat.
The description of asking and then scrapping and then doing more research is me, haha. I would get recs and be like well these people don't actually know what I like anyway - the whole thing is crazy making! i LOVE the idea of exploring without an itinerary as a treat because of tech like chatGPT. such a great way to think of opting out.
I think I’ll assume “mea culpa” in some points, resulting of the insane amount of opinions (mostly) and options out there.
Options might lead to a dispersed behaviour but opinions can shut one down.
This also made me realize that before the advent of internet and social media, my shopping skills grew based on a lot of window shopping, nagging the stores, magazines and most importantly the people around me (either because I would like or dislike their choices).
There is a lot to develop and I need to read this carefully (jumped to comment when I’ve read the caption: “Influencers in the wild” 🤪 this could be the title of a documentary on the subject”)
When you refer the “listing” mania. This book came to mind. It might seem an off topic suggestion but out of curiosity upon the invention of letters and writing “list” where the first text format to be written. If I’m making the reference right. It is interesting to read this kind of book to understand how humanity evolved.
Loved this newsletter! i am also guilty of adding “reddit” after pretty much everything. I would like to learn how to trust my own intuition and not so much random internet people lol
Number one, I really really love this. I am a chronic over-thinker over-researcher who spent a lifetime (almost 49 years!!) convinced that “the right” boots or whatever will turn me from a self-perceived dumpy unstylish dork into the fabulous chic woman I see in my mind or on screens everywhere I look. It really took me most of my life to emotionally understand that an object will not in fact physically or emotionally transform me - that I will either see myself as the actually elegant, chic person I am or I won’t, and no trench coat or bag will solve that. Does this realization stop me from tumbling down endless rabbit holes? Not yet, but I’ll get there.
Number two, are you familiar with the concept of satisficing vs. maximizing? Because we are really a maximizing culture and I think technology has ramped this up like whoa. (I wrote an op-ed a little about this years ago for the NYT).
Number three, you’re great and I’m so glad I found your writing.
Hahaha I know exactly what you mean about having the intellectual realization in your mind but the fact that it hasn't totally emotionally set in or clicked yet. But hey, you are getting there! We all are.
I am NOT familiar with the concept! Can you share the op-ed please? I'd LOVE to read it!
And thank you so much, Leah! I really appreciate you.
Of course! It’s one of the best things I learned about while doing my sociology PhD.
https://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/17/opinion/sunday/playing-the-numbers-in-digital-dating.html
Oh also I too have a running list in my notes app! It really helps - especially when I realize I don’t want or need something and get to delete without buying.
@Leah Reich we are maximizing maniacs 🤣🤣🛍️🛍️🛍️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
But oh wow do I love my notes app
I use it to track $/loves/needs & wants w a heading like April $
Then
$ in
& where it’s going
And to bring more $ or things or order in
I write
DO
ABC etc
And tons of emojis like for extra wins
“Cancelled Verizon fios!!!!! & got refund” (that’s still under DO (o well from March 1st move out of NYC rental ) ~
Anyway.. I love these convos
Move out of NYC?? No don’t leave us!!
@Leah Reich thank you 🙏🏼.. so kind & sweet.. I’ll always have one foot or both in NYC as my younger son & other family there.. AnD I’m a NYR hockey fan w tickets 🤣🤣
I’ve been back & forth monthly since LA sojourn & back in a couple weeks xoxo
I wish I wanted to flee to LA but I did 25 years in California (northern and southern) and unfortunately I’m an east coaster to my core. No more CA for me. If you’re ever bored on the UES give a shout! And I hope you’re back in time for the cherry blossoms - was in CP today and they’re bursting out all over xx
I just saw cherry blossoms 🌸 in background of a friend’s photo today & LoST my MIND 🥹🥹
It’s the first spring (in my life???) I haven’t been in NyC (or .. college, New England. )
High high likelihood I’m moving back to East coast for work later this Spring.. so I’m really soaking up all the nature here for now xo
There’s a temporal element at work here too, no? It’s one thing to appear in a magazine once every five years, listing your favorite albums “of all time,” and quite another to be doling out superlatives on a weekly basis. The level of consumption required to do the latter is mind-boggling.
Massive temporal element at work. Such a good point. Not sure I made this point very well here but I also think it's very different for Sofia to be recommending something like art (music) vs. something to buy like clothes, gadgets, beauty products etc. And yes the optics of *always* loving something and buying things weekly (!) and acting like that is normal is absurd.
The overconsumption is fierce!
"But it feels distinctly American to think we can buy our way into self actualization." I feel like this pretty much sums up all of internet culture, and it's something I'm becoming more aware of as I get older. Life would be so much easier if buying the "right" pair of shoes meant life would suddenly fall into place and everything would start working out...
As for gatekeeping, I find it really annoying, but I'm also not in a position to be dealing with entitled followers. But then again maybe influencers shouldn't post something they don't want to talk about. (insert shrug emoji) Sometimes I feel like a person just can't win.
Yes! it does pretty much sum up internet culture. It's a relief to become more aware of it but it is definitely an emotional rollercoaster to be bombarded constantly by the idea!
Re: gatekeeping I also don't know what it's like to have entitled followers either - I'm sure it's overwhelming. I feel like a person just can't win either... especially given the complexity/ weird dynamics of social media interaction.
“But it’s usually by digging into art or experiences, not consumable products. It turns out that buying the same stuff doesn't really change who I am or get me closer to the traits I admire in them.”
This is so on point. Anecdotally, I’ve noticed that many brands are skilled at selling a “lifestyle” (DÔEN comes to mind first). Influencer-founded brands, especially. It always takes an extra level of self-reflection when I find myself wanting something because I think it will make me smarter, healthier, more creative, etc. (I recently passed on a Sandy Liang dress because of this!)
I’m also with you on the gatekeeping. I’m genuinely excited to tell someone about the coffee shop I went to or the pants I bought. BUT, I also understand that for folks with a large social media following, it’s the entitlement from followers that might stop someone from sharing this info.
AGREED on DÔEN. I always think if I buy it will magically smell like a field of lavender. Effective marketing.
And yes to your point on people with big followings! When writing this I was thinking that it makes sense why celebrities or influencers wouldn't want to share a name of a place online and "blow it up" but then I'm like wait, why do you post a photo anyway and then deny people access? It's something I'm still pondering.
Right, exactly! That’s a good point, too. Why does every experience have to be posted on social media, especially when a large following will bombard you with questions?
Maybe this is negative of me to say, but I have to wonder how many celebrities or influencers enjoy the exclusivity of “being in the know” and the power that comes with making it clear most people aren’t on the same level. 😅🫣
Yup I think you’re saying what many of us are thinking 😬
OMG
The sheer number of DOEN dresses & blouses I have purchased new & at resale …
When all I really needed was a nap or a walk 🤣
Re-sold ALL of them.. but this brand truly DOES take up space in my brain 🤣🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
Is it my “grew up in the 70’s” nostalgia ??
After the Kyle Chayka/Ezra Klein interview came out I thought a lot about this Brie Wolfson article from 2022: https://www.are.na/editorial/notes-on-taste especially #8 & #9- "Taste in too many things would be tortuous." Pick your lane(s) and let the rest go!
I think there is also something insidious, especially if you live in a smaller town/city, where looking for the "best" product all the time will drive you to shopping more and more online vs. picking from what's available to you from local businesses.
i cannot wait to read that article, thank you for sharing it. I love are.na and also I had lots of feelings about that Kyle Chayka interview.
And yes! in smaller towns it really can become insidious. there was a period of time in my life where I noticed I wasn't shopping local because of it!
I spent an hour and a half at Sherwin-Williams this morning and an hour and a half at Home Depot yesterday trying to find an approximation of a Farrow & Ball shade I saw on someone's insta post and it makes me ill. I can't even calculate the total number of hours spent looking at ~inspo~ on Pinterest for this one tiny bathroom painting project I'm trying to tackle. 10 years ago I would have spent maybe 20 minutes making a paint decision and it would have had nothing to do with anyone on social media. And now, time being ever more precious the older I get, the more of it feels wasted scrolling and researching and comparing and deciding. Depressing! I appreciate your time limit guide. :)
oh. my.goodness. I had the same experience in the last year with tile...hence the need for time limits. The room gets very little traffic in my house but the obsession was real. I spent WAY too much time on Home Depot/every other tile website comparing so I truly feel your pain. It's so true that 10 years ago it would've been a no brainer. I hope you knock out the project soon!
Recommendations can get overwhelming, especially when traveling to a new place (where there is more pressure to "get something right"...since it's not like a meal at a restaurant or a shade of lipstick where you could just try something new next time).
My approach has been to prioritize the things that I have to get right - meaning, what would I hate to miss out on and how can I make sure that I have a reservation for that thing? The rest, I leave up to fate. For example, when we traveled to Hawaii recently, I knew I wanted to hike the Kalalau Trail and that reservations were important and would be sold out immediately. I planned for those reservations in advance but left most of the remaining itinerary free to explore the area as we felt. This was the perfect balance of leisure and activity for me!
Loved this post and thank you for writing it - such a good topic to discuss!
Things are overwhelming when traveling to a new place and I think specifically as Americans we just don't get a lot of time off work which means we have to ALSO have to make our vacations super stressful and live them to the max! It's sad!
And yes, some places are just impossible to freewheel. In Japan I just hiked the Kumano Kodo and it took like 5 months to get the reservation because it books out quickly and there's a TON of back and forth with the families that host you in their homes. If I didn't do all that planning, I really would have missed out! Thanks so much for your feedback. I would love to hear more about your Kalalau Trail hike sometime <3
Yes, SO true regarding our PTO time! Kalalau Trail was technically challenging (slippery muddy rocks) but beautiful. My favorite parts were the waterfall at the top and seeing the chickens that somehow found themselves on edge of the cliffs - how did they get there? I'd love to hear about your Kumano Kodo trip sometime too - we are thinking of visiting Japan again next year!
This is how I travel to!! It makes me so happy.
TOO good lord not to
Another amazing read. I love the recommendations on this platform. I’m not sure what it is. I don’t even take note of them most of the time. But it feels like literally bite size treats and a way for me to stay aware of what’s in (although, as your letter raises, why do I feel the need for that). However, I stopped doing them myself - those monthly recommendations emails - I realllllllly don’t think that we need more of the same thing and more of the same content. Especially, as a lot of us listen to the same podcasts, read the same books, etc.
Yes, we all have this "need to know" since it's such human nature to be curious and know what everyone else is doing. You're spot on about the sameness. I never feel that from your newsletter, I think you have a really fresh point of view and I love reading it! Thanks for sharing your thoughts <3
Had the exact same moment of panic when buying coffee for a group on a ski trip recently. At home, I get beans delivered to my house, but at Safeway in a mountain town, I started trying to research which of the 12 generic grocery store brands. Literally stood in the coffee aisle reading a Food & Wine article about best ground coffee before I shook myself out of it. I ended up just randomly picking one and it was kind of weird and hazelnutty but no one cared. I am definitely an over-researcher obsessed with finding the best of every category but increasingly find myself wanting to enjoy the process of discovery—and not be on my phone looking things up wherever we are.
that's SO funny you had the same experience! I'm glad you were able to snap out of it as well! I feel like being an over-researcher is great when you have an outlet for it (your travel recommendations are so excellent) but yeah I feel like sometimes it's hard to break the habit.
I may b a selective gatekeeper
????
Long b4 the advent of social media..
just BEING in the wild
If someone asked me (my perfume anything starting w “where did you get?” ) I was always vague. Like “rose”
Or “Italy”
Or “it’s old”
Super snobby in retrospect ~ I may as well have just blurted out “it’s MINE!!!!”
@Totally Recommend & others.. thanks for the revelations
XO
I don't know that it's always black and white. Perfume is very PERSONAL and sensory and to be honest when I would smell EVERYONE and their mom wearing santal 33 it was disorienting. As a young grasshopper who worked in Nordstrom I would ask women what perfume they were wearing (Ive always loved scent) and they would often look at me funny. "It's old and from Italy, not sure!" is probably fine. We are allowed boundaries in life but I find the attitude of sharing online and publicly keeping it secret/overidentifying with brands to feel stranger to me than anything.
Oh yuh yuh yuh
Such a good distinction
Now I feel less gate-keep-y
Perfume question happened again today w my vagaries in response & the person asked me to take a picture of all of my perfumes to send to her
Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm🤔
No.
A very topical and important discussion, particularly in a Western world under capitalist forces. It’s a slippery slope from sharing things we like and supporting the people who created them to being in a chokehold of relentless optimisation and pursuing the best of XYZ.
In the process, dissatisfaction in self-conscious consumption starts to build and we squeeze the serendipity out of life. I find myself doing most online research when it comes to home appliances and tech devices. It’s a minefield.
As you say, who wants to buy rubbish or waste money on a meh product? My time allocations are quite arbitrary. I just know when I am straining as I pan for gold. Time to go for a walk, have a chat 😅
Where I tell myself to let go a bit more is with travel research. Hotels, bars, restaurants... You made some great suggestions, like playing with the polarities and keeping a recommendations list to dip into now and again (rather than letting subscriptions dictate your time and attention). I use bookmark folders like that.
Gatekeeping is a curious way of framing someone who withholds recommendations. My interpretation of that option was more positive. Less time spent online, on your phone, more being present. Constantly putting people onto things you like can be fatiguing for both the recipient and the expert/influencer/curator.
As for how things are recommended, I would like to see fewer options presented with more personal insight and context. There are too many lengthy lists of ‘this is awesome’ pinging around on a weekly basis.
i love what you said about squeezing the serendipity out of life!
gatekeeping / not gatekeeping - i think we are all looking to the same end goal. less time online/more present interaction and less value on stuff and false community.
and yes, id love to see more things recommended that people have actually experienced and have personal insight on. it feels like most recommendation lists are just a grab to sell things.
really appreciate your thoughtful insights - thanks for reading!
You're right. What you spelled out in the piece is a recurring topic in conversations with everyone from young mentees under 21 to parents over 40. I was talking about this yesterday afternoon. It feels increasingly hard to just exist in the moment and be fully present with those around you. To focus on fewer things. To let some of those things come to us.
What we buy and the choices we make are a reflection of that. I am a planner and love a bargain (it's part of the family DNA). There's a place for careful consideration and research in a world that spins ever faster and bombards us with noise. But nothing shortlisted or recommended could compare to a random discovery or spontaneous moment of joy.
This resonates so much with me!! I tend to want to optimize all of my consumption choices and this leads to more stress than it’s worth. I appreciate the table of suggested time to spend on researching 🤓
i know, im really trying to let go of the optimization too, its tough! glad the table helps :)
I’ve always felt the tension between an insatiable craving for recommendations and just massive information overload where I recognize I can’t possibly consume all the recs available to me. So many times before traveling I would start making an IG story asking people for recs (because isn’t that what you’re supposed to do??) then scrap it because I realized it’s fine I don’t care enough, and asking for recs is supposed to be a shortcut but I’ll probs want to research the recs anyway so I might as well just google stuff based on my own specific circumstances/interests to begin with.
Part of me also wonders about recs in the age of chatGPT. Lots of people are already asking chatGPT for itineraries. How tailored or off the beaten path can it get? I guess in this vision of the future, going out and exploring without an itinerary will be even more of a treat.
The description of asking and then scrapping and then doing more research is me, haha. I would get recs and be like well these people don't actually know what I like anyway - the whole thing is crazy making! i LOVE the idea of exploring without an itinerary as a treat because of tech like chatGPT. such a great way to think of opting out.
I'm interested in the we need gatekeeping conversation - could you share some links?
Sure thing:
https://thefifthagency.com/trends/trendsetters-what-does-gatekeeping-mean/
https://www.thecut.com/article/laura-harrier-wants-it-girls-to-go-back-to-gatekeeping.html
https://www.thecut.com/2023/07/what-does-gatekeeping-mean.html
What a piece!!!
I think I’ll assume “mea culpa” in some points, resulting of the insane amount of opinions (mostly) and options out there.
Options might lead to a dispersed behaviour but opinions can shut one down.
This also made me realize that before the advent of internet and social media, my shopping skills grew based on a lot of window shopping, nagging the stores, magazines and most importantly the people around me (either because I would like or dislike their choices).
There is a lot to develop and I need to read this carefully (jumped to comment when I’ve read the caption: “Influencers in the wild” 🤪 this could be the title of a documentary on the subject”)
Congratulations 🙌
Thank you Daniela! yes I grew up on window shopping too, stores, magazines too! And I would definitely watch an influencers in the wild documentary 🤣
But indeed options can lead to an insane ability to make decisions. 😅
When you refer the “listing” mania. This book came to mind. It might seem an off topic suggestion but out of curiosity upon the invention of letters and writing “list” where the first text format to be written. If I’m making the reference right. It is interesting to read this kind of book to understand how humanity evolved.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0593318897/?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_w=rkJlS&content-id=amzn1.sym.ae1d87ab-6680-4296-ada1-5366169507b8&pf_rd_p=ae1d87ab-6680-4296-ada1-5366169507b8&pf_rd_r=142-1687867-6900039&pd_rd_wg=6ejw4&pd_rd_r=a37a915c-fb1a-49da-95a0-bdd125ad7b67&ref_=aufs_ap_sc_dsk
Loved this newsletter! i am also guilty of adding “reddit” after pretty much everything. I would like to learn how to trust my own intuition and not so much random internet people lol
yes reddit in every google search is too real. it is funny when you just put it plainly as trusting "Random internet people" 😂