Here in America, we’ve been feeling a wee bit worn out.
The other day, I was saying goodbye to a friend. It was one of those moments when you keep trying to part ways but just end up talking louder and louder as you walk further apart. We were in a parking lot, and by the time I reached my car, we were practically shouting.
She yelled out, “Have a great day! Wait, I forgot to ask! What are you writing about this week?”
As I stepped into my car, I poked my head out and shouted back, “Not sure! It’s pretty hard to write about clothes WHEN THINGS FEEL SO APOCALYPTIC?!”
I caught a glimpse of a guy in the car next to me—looking real Chevy tough. He gave me a seriously skeptical side eye.
"Alright, maybe apocalyptic is a bit dramatic," I thought. "But let's be real— for all Americans right now, things have felt pretty intense.”
I drove off, and my mind started to wander... Clothes. Apocalypse. Apocalypse clothes. Years of working in advertising have left my brain a bit broken, and sometimes, terrible made-up ads pop into my imagination:
Cargo Pants. The original post-apocalypse workhorse. Master the day to night look: a seamless transition from bunker to bonfire!
Mad Max, Dune, zombies, and steampunks flooded my vision—leather daddies and sexy desert warriors. These are the first outfits that come to mind when I hear "apocalypse." In a hostile world, it’s essential to look badass yet unapproachable.
GET THIS LOOK: From Demobaza and Galareh, The Hardware Store, Nightclubs in Berlin, Any guy who offers magic mushrooms within 5 minutes of meeting him!
The netting on the clothes is breathable, and the studs and belts pack a punch for protection. And damn, these survivors really love an accessory.
Why are they all so buff? Were they secretly hoping for the apocalypse just to show off their abs?
As much as I want to be cool and punk (a phase well-documented in embarrassing photos), I'm just too chicken to ever shave my head. And while I think some of of you warriors look truly amazing, I’m sorry, babe, but I just can't get on board with the mandatory fingerless gloves.
Guess you'll have to leave me here to die..
"But wait!" you say, "You can't just give up like that! I don't want to wear leather suspenders either... but I do want us to survive!"
Well, my friend, I admire your guts. And guess what? I've been thinking about it and I think we can make it work. Because I have great news...
The apocalypse comes in ALL. DIFFERENT. FLAVORS!!
There are plenty of sartorial options for all of us! Let’s explore a few together.
Cult-y Cuties
Not really a twelve-pants-pockets-full-of-canned-corn kind of gal? Did you go through a recent phase where you went just a little too crazy buying long prairie dresses on Etsy?
Stop beating yourself up for overspending! Because, honey, maybe it was your women’s intuition all along—just a hunch that you were saving them for quite the special occasion...
To finally unite with your sisterwives!
A closet full of vintage 80s Laura Ashley tea dresses? That’s just perfect because we share everything around here.
GET THIS LOOK: From DÔEN, Christy Dawn, Batsheva x Laura Ashley, Butter Churning Workshops, Your (Kind of) Aunt’s Favorite Store in Utah, Swedish Festivals, Harmless Looking Pickleball Clubs That Are Actually Secretly Cults, Egg Apron Gifts From Your Hubby
If your outfit’s showing a bit too much shoulder, don’t even sweat it. We’d never call you a hussy. Instead, we’ll knit you a shawl—because that’s what sisters are for!
But oh no… looks like we ran out of fabric and you're still showing too much skin. No worries—let us cover you in flowers and call it avant-garde!
Dystopian Darlings
Braiding hair while sharing secrets and spouses not really your cup of tea?
Well then take it on down to The Amazon town! No, not the forest silly… That’s gone now.
I'm talking about the new nation state created by Jeff himself. The rumors you heard are indeed true—while the rest of the world is cut off from water, you can still buy a $38 Cobb salad and even get your butthole bleached here!
The one downside is the weather is a little chilly — but there’s plentiful access to luxurious knits and parkas. And sure, the place is a bit off and creepy, but MY GOD the cashmere ready to wear collections! Like, literally to die for. I heard the Bezos x Rick Owens collab was MIND BLOWING…
GET THIS LOOK: From Rick Owens, Moncler 8 Richard Quinn, Gareth Pugh, Befriending Your Local Incel, Eating tons of sugar before bed to induce nightmares, Dating Kanye West
Couldn’t Care Less Core
Still dissatisfied? Not feeling the sexy leather daddies, the beautiful long dresses, or sipping soylent in the cryo chamber?
I don’t blame you! The real party is down at the burning trash hole. These are the people making do with what they've got.
GET THIS LOOK: Croc Shoes + Bogg Baggs (perfect for the occasional flood) America’s Premium Outlets, New with Tags Pieces From The Town Dump, All 46 Seasons of Survivor, The crevices you didn’t know even existed at the back of your closet, Estate Sales, Wherever? Just pick it up off the ground!
It’s fashion anarchy around here. Color is encouraged, and new trend cycles pop up all the time.
Intel just dropped that a storage unit full of brand new Tweety Bird shirts was discovered, and now they're seriously freaking hot...
I hear distressed Xhilaration jorts are making a huge comeback. EVERYONE and their mother is trying to recreate those incredible Survivor contestant looks.
Think you’re nailing that ultimate edgy, brat summer? Talk to me after you’ve grilled squirrel on a stick, used a pine cone as a shot glass and finally realized that time is a construct.
Do you see now that there is no reason to fear an apocalypse?
The possibilities are endless! Innovation is in our nature! There will always be culture, and its form is ours to shape.
The closet as post-apocalyptic oracle.
I decided to see where my current wardrobe would take me, and I was absolutely floored. The first thing I spotted was a Vintage Couture St. John set I’ve never even worn. Am I saving this for the trad-wife life, or what?!
If I had my way, I'd wear structured pieces like those worn by Sean Young in Blade Runner and Anna Karina in Alphaville.
Alongside these, I'd mix in loose, silky, futuristic dresses reminiscent of 70s dystopian films, such as Diane Keaton's looks in Sleeper or Jenny Agutter's in Logan’s Run:
But nope, my closet is overflowing with too many sweet looking dresses and skirts! Time to start perfecting my bread recipe NOW.
At least I can donate those cargo pants lurking in the back of my closet and finally sleep at night.
I won’t be needing them ever again.
What clothing will you wear in a post-apocalyptic world?
What does your closet say about where you might end up?
🍒Total Rec
P.S. I remain very hopeful for the future! This won’t become a survivalist niche newsletter anytime soon, you don’t have to worry about me recommending the best life straws or tactical knives :)
Thank you so much for being here with me. See you in a couple weeks!
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This was a work of art, a true masterpiece, and exactly the niche content I desire.
Personally, as someone who fought to stay off the prairie and never wear another pioneer dress again (ex-mo here) I think I’ve earned living out my leather daddy Bladerunner-meets-Dune end of days.
See you on Arrakis-- I’ll be the one surfing a sandworm, wailing desert chants 🏄
Meet you at the trash hole in 20, I’ll bring the used Keurig pods and we can suck on ‘em to get a sweet caffeine rush before watching our new favorite show, Pigeons vs. Cockroaches.