The World's Worst Influencer
Here's some dumb stuff I bought that you probably will not buy. And that's just fine.
I honestly don't talk to many people about this newsletter. But last weekend, an acquaintance in the know asked how it was going. I said I was happy. Then he asked the question we all love to hear: "How are you planning on monetizing it?" Because nothing makes a hobby more fun than figuring out how to squeeze money out of it.
This guy kept telling me how I could share links to things for people to buy, and then readers could click on them, and I could get a cut of the sale - as if I was clueless about how marketing works. I told him the whole idea behind my newsletter is that I actually don’t do that because everyone else online already does, and I don't even know if their opinions are sincere anymore.
I explained how I value opinions from people who are unbiased—how being gifted items or earning commissions tends to skew people's motives, as I'd seen working in marketing for so many years. I pointed out how people are pushed to buy something every time they freaking blink.
He stared at me like I had told him I was launching a dating app for houseplants. "Oh, you poor, naive soul" was written all over his face.
I laughed about it, realizing I'd probably be the worst influencer in the world anyway. While I am currently writing about and researching some brands and products I do believe in, I don’t purchase nearly enough to keep up with the overwhelming rapid pace of "what I bought this week" updates. Moreover, many of the things I've genuinely enjoyed lately aren’t packaged in flashy, sexy packaging that trigger dopamine rushes—they're likely borderline embarrassing.
As I pictured my recent favorites, I thought, "Screw it. Why not share?" Much to this man’s chagrin, here’s my no-affiliate-link, no-kickback list of weird things I would tell you to buy if I were the world’s least appealing influencer:
A Rolling TV Stand
By far the weirdest thing I’ve ever loved: a television stand on wheels, so you can move it from room to room. The first day I got it, I took it out of the box, looked at it, and said out loud, "This is the dumbest thing I have ever done." Now it feels indispensable. The functionality is unmatched. Perfect for apartment or single level living. I'm not even a huge TV watcher (*we love virtue signaling here*) but when I use it, it is amazing.
As a kid, I'd visit friends' houses and be blown away by something as wild as a TV in their KITCHEN! Insanity! I'd declare, "I'll totally have a kitchen TV when I'm all grown up!" Fast forward to now, my kitchen is the size of a shoebox and that dream is on hold. But hey, I can still get a taste of that American dream by rolling my friend from room to room.
For me, the real joy of this wheely TV is the ability to watch Carrie have her heart broken by Big in my study…
And then watching Carrie’s heart get broken by Big from my bath tub…
And finally, watching Carrie get her heart broken by Big from the ultimate comfort of my bed:
Trader Joe’s Supergoop-y Sunscreen
The other day, I was sitting at a table, waiting for a friend, and I was very close to two other women. I was trying to focus on myself, but the chatter was loud and the acoustics in the place were wild. In one ten-minute conversation, the woman next to me mentioned three Instagram brands she'd been advertised, so my ears perked up a bit.
She went on about all the sunscreens she had experimented with. Then she started raving to her friend about Supergoop Unseen Sunscreen. I HAD SOME THOUGHTS! My breath grew heavier with every moment, but I hate eavesdropping and giving unsolicited advice.
Her friend whipped out her phone to type “Supergoop” (I mean, come on, who hasn’t heard of Supergoop?!) I felt like I was about to black out, slowly transforming into the Unsolicited Advice Hulk. Finally, the friend was on the site about to click 'add to cart'.
I couldn’t hold back anymore. I completely broke and blurted out, "Look, I loved Supergoop too, I really did! But Trader Joe’s makes the exact same stuff, and it’s $8.99 a bottle. Please, just go get it there."
I immediately apologized and left the table to find another one, overwhelmed with the deep shame deserved for being "that guy". They graciously accepted my apology, and as I walked away, I heard the woman say “What a great eavesdropper!” (Yes, I was somehow STILL eavesdropping!)
But really, I’ve tried both. They are basically the exact same. One is $8.99 and the other is almost $40. Supergoop is sold on websites where you can easily get an affiliate link to send to your followers; Trader Joe’s is not. Pick your poison.
Topo Chico Mint & Lime
I fell off sparkling water after going a little too hard during the great La Croix Gold Rush of 2016-2021. My hairdresser told me she knew someone who drank so much bubbly water that she got a permanent air bubble in her abdomen. This seems like an urban legend spun up by the evil minds of Big Still (Water), but I was spooked at the time and stopped drinking it for a while.
In the last couple of years, I went a little wild on trying all the popular non-alcoholic beverages out there. Some of my favorite are the Italian-style aperitivo drinks like the Phony Negroni and Casamara Club Alta. I also love Dram Lavender, a botanical drink with lightly sparkling water that tastes divine.
However, after a recent review of my credit card bill, I had a little come-to-Jesus moment. I’ve been paying an awful LOT of money for… juice. Last weekend, I brought a bottle of non-alcoholic “wine” to a party, and it was good. But let's be honest: it’s a beautifully packaged $29 bottle of JUICE imported from Australia. I can handle being sober, and I can handle being broke. But both at the same time? Not ideal.
All this expensive juice and soda? At times, it feels like I’m paying for beef milk:
Over the years, the one exception to my seltzer ban has always been a refreshing, ice-cold glass bottle of Topo Chico. The bubbles are just too tiny to explode in my stomach! (absolutely verified scientific information.) However, buying those expensive glass bottles adds up quickly. The other day, I was in the grocery store and saw they had these Lime with Mint Topo Chico in cans:
I was skeptical and thought maybe I’m just a sucker for the undeniable joy of drinking out of a glass bottle. I decided to experiment, and well, I also love it in the can. And the Lime with Mint flavor? An absolute DELIGHT! I’m officially back on the dark side of the bubble.
I'm declaring this my summer drink of 2024. My credit card statement is raising a glass with full support. These are delicious on their own for those who don’t drink - and a perfect mixer with tequila for those who do.
Another fantastic, budget-friendly non-alcoholic option I discovered at a party the other night: a big bottle of $20 Giffard syrup — perfect for making your own faux negroni or spritz. Tasty and refreshing.
A White T-Shirt That Walmart Actually No Longer Sells
Everyone is after that holy grail white shirt, but for me, most white tees lose their charm pretty quickly. Mine get beat up, spilled on, and start looking crummy after a while. Splurging on something that needs replacing so often doesn't seem practical, so I'm always on the lookout for a reasonably priced option.
I saw someone in a Substack chat recommend Boy's Hanes white t-shirts, claiming they were fantastic! When they arrived, they were comically tiny—I didn't even bother trying to fit my fist through the neck hole.
I meant to try a larger size, but then I met a woman with a similar stature and asked about her white shirt. Turns out, it was this Free Assembly ringer tee from Walmart. I hadn't shopped there much before, but finding a well-fitting tee can be tough, and this one's proportions were spot-on for me.
I think it's because of the thicker neck of the "ringer tee" without the same ringer style on the sleeves, which helps balance out my broad-ish shoulders. Plus, I love the lived-in, papery look and the bone color. And at just $12, it's a steal. The shirt seems to be gone now but you can still find some on ebay.
If I was a better influencer, I'd tell you that this perfect shirt is sold out, but I have five similar ones that I've never actually never seen or touched in real life but personally handpicked from google just for you!
But, no, I won’t do that. And that’s why I'd be the worst influencer ever.
Because I’d much prefer to learn about your favorite affordable white tees or your thoughts on if you think it’s worth it to buy pricier ones?!
In fact, I'm genuinely curious to hear about all the dumb, unglamorous purchases that bring you joy, too.
🍒Total Rec
P.S. Starting early next week, I’m taking a short break and will be offline. If you don’t hear from me, that’s why! Talk soon.
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I love your posts so much. I just donated, because I’d rather pay you to tell me NOT to buy anything than buy one more piece of crap that I don’t need.
I have to confess that I ‘like’ your posts even before I finish reading them. And then when I’ve speed read the whole thing I like them even more than I thought I would. I’m going to buy that rolling TV stand when I buy a TV. I may have just realized the reason I don’t have a TV is because I didn’t know about rolling stands.