Black Friday? More Like Every Other Friday

And Monday, Tuesday, Etc Etc.

Ah, the season of gratitude—what’s not to love? Gathering around the table, sharing heartfelt thanks for life’s blessings, savoring deep breaths and sweet smiles. But the real highlight? As soon as the pumpkin pie hits the table, you’re setting a 4 a.m. alarm so you can roll out of bed at the ass crack of dawn, ready to dropkick a stranger for the last Dyson hairdryer.

Thankfully, the days of bodyslams and ER visits over Tickle Me Elmos are mostly behind us. The ‘90s and early 2000s version of Black Friday was pure chaos—gladiator matches in Walmart aisles. Now that we’ve moved to online shopping, the body count will hopefully go down, and the injury stats.

But in exchange?

We don’t really get Black Friday anymore. We get Black…Month? Months? Instead of one chaotic day of adrenaline fueled deal chasing, we now endure a never ending parade of “exclusive deals” that starts on October 31 and limp across the finish line sometime around Travel Tuesday—or whatever that’s called?  It’s less sp…